What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
i can’t wait that long
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school