keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Haha good job!!
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
OMG 🤣🤣
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*