My brain is a bad influence on me
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?