I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton