Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
knights of the ikea table
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.