The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.