Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
You Might Also Like
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Jupiter
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.