Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“no gods no masters” = leo
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
lot going on here, legally speaking.