Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
#NeverForget
Lmao
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks