me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
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Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.