Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*