Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
You Might Also Like
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
me when I see my crush
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.