[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
describing stardew valley
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
My birthstone is kidney