A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”