Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
You Might Also Like
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.