Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
You Might Also Like
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Happy thanksgiving
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October