Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
You Might Also Like
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”