Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Practicing safe sax
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.