Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
You Might Also Like
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!