Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Just how popey was the pope today?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”