fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
You Might Also Like
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”