The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.