*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’m not lazy
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Always
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish