Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
The sacred texts.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays