Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.