I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
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Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.