[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs