Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
You Might Also Like
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
this article brought to you by lions
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.