My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
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Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Doctors texting each other.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?