Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Pat is about to own someone
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”