*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be