New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
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MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
happy friday
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.