Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*