Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”