Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
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[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome