me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
A friend helps you before you need it
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention