Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
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How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs