Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]