her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
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Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
pls suprot
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.