I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]