Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Always…
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Oh the world we live in…
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.