Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting