I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
next level snooze
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.