I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
me when the borders lift
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac