If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.