After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
😆this is so true
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”