doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Hotels are back
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”