me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.