🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
You Might Also Like
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.