This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.